My name is Kristine. I’d like to share my story – a personal story that changed my life. It’s a story that left me passionate about trying to make a difference in the fight against ovarian cancer.
It was ten years ago on a warm summer day when a phone message from my gynecologist first brought news to me that I’d have to begin a courageous journey. I was up against something called ovarian cancer – and it all started when I went to my doctor for my annual exam and a large grapefruit-sized fluid filled cyst was discovered on my right ovary. Now my doctor suggested waiting a month and then repeating the ultrasound, hoping that this big cyst would disappear. I was confused about this cyst that didn’t belong in my body! So when I got home that day, I pulled into the garage, jumped out of the car and ran across the street to my neighbor’s house. He is an ob/gyn doctor and I trusted his opinion. When I asked him about waiting a month and then repeating the test, he gave me this advice: Kris, it’s reasonable to wait one month, but no longer. Cysts don’t belong in the body – they belong in the lab. They can change. And he was so right! Over the course of that month, I could feel the cyst growing. My abdominal muscles were beginning to hurt. It was bulging out of my abdomen.
And I did what the doctor suggested – I waited a month and had the ultrasound repeated ….but that cyst didn’t disappear. It grew and it changed. And that’s when I heard the message on my phone …”Call me immediately”, my doctor said on the recorder. My heart stood still. And she insisted I come straight to her office. And so my journey began. My simple fluid-filled cyst had turned into a football-sized malignant tumor and I needed surgery immediately. There was another problem. Due to complications from a rare disease I have, anesthesia wasn’t an option. It could kill me, so I couldn’t be put under.
We consulted with my Mayo Clinic doctor who treats me for this disease. A decision was made NOT to put me under ….it was way too risky! So I needed to face this surgery awake, with a spinal and hope for the best. Now it’s difficult to prepare yourself mentally for surgery, especially when you have to be wide awake….and wondering what the outcome will be.
To say I was scared is an understatement. As I was lying on the operating table, watching the doctor’s faces, I knew I would NEVER forget the look on my surgeon’s face as she lifted the tumor out of my body. Her eyes locked with the anesthesiologist’s eyes – in a look of disbelief. I took it all in….the ticking clock on the wall, the request for specimen cup after specimen cup for more nodes….and the worried look on everyone’s face.
Three and a half hours later I was wheeled into recovery. My surgeon waited with me for my husband to be brought in and told us together that I had ovarian cancer. I just kept thinking ….okay, okay, I am still here…. I can’t believe she just said those three dreaded words to me ‘you have cancer’ but I’m still here. Cancer is a very powerful word.
Now fast-forward two days later, when my surgeon walked into my hospital room. That day will forever be etched into my memory …when I was told I had stage III ovarian cancer – and that my odds of survival were slim at best. It was stated so matter of fact-like. As if she was telling someone what she wanted on her pizza! My head started spinning and time stood still. I remember staring at the clock on the wall…. I remember her blue skirt, her pretty shoes…even the height on her heals …and the fearful look on my husband’s face, the sound that came from his mouth as he was gasping to breathe….the sun streaming in the window…and seeing my life flash before my eyes. I recall with clarity that is all too real what it’s like to face your mortality. And all I wanted to do was run out of that hospital room – and LIVE! Well, I certainly was in no shape to run, but I did insist on going home immediately. I wanted to get as far away from the hospital as I could! My surgeon released me reluctantly, and I never wanted to see her again.
We went home and I spent that night wide awake….wondering what it would be like to die….would it hurt? How will my husband and kids manage without me? Morning came and my surgeon called on the phone. She was the last person I wanted to talk to. Thankfully, my husband talked to her and she told him that Mayo Clinic had just called her. They had received a sample of the tumor and discovered it was a very rare form of ovarian cancer and wanted to see me ASAP. So a few days later, we were off to Mayo and I was fortunate to be treated by a brilliant, caring oncologist. And I’m so elated to say that with the help of God, family, friends and Mayo Clinic, I AM ALIVE!!
There’s something I’d like to say about my doctor. She was a very skilled surgeon, but she lacked what I consider one of the most important tools – and that is hope. Hope is crucial. Hope and a belief that you’re going to make it! Yes, I received excellent medical care, but equally important in my opinion is a positive attitude, which is so vital in healing and staying well. Now I never asked ‘Why me?’ but instead thought, well, okay it is me. And now what?? Well…I’m going to live, that’s what I’m going to do!
What was a very frightening and difficult time, was also a beautiful time in my life. I felt so loved and supported. Every time a friend dropped by with a meal or I opened up a get-well card, I wanted to cry. The outpouring of love was overwhelming. I truly found blessings in this whole cancer experience. So in a sense, illness can be a great reminder to us of how fortunate we are.
Yes, I have hope and I continue to live my life with a positive attitude. I honor each day. I treasure my loved ones …and I don’t take a single day for granted.
